The real world is terrifying - I want to live in a movie.

But like, a happy, cheesy, Disney movie. Not a movie like Requiem for a Dream. That stuff is scary shit.

--

Oh. And it turns out that all that I needed to turn me away from IB again was some rejection, ha. I should be glad though. If I can't even make it through first-rounds, there's no way I'd survive superday. Not to mention the time drain it would be.

Speaking of which, looking for internships is such a time suck. I worry about school. I worry about interviews. I worry that I worry too much... I'm going to die young from this stress, I just know it. The funny thing is, I don't even have that much of a reason to be stressed. I'm getting a college education from a good school, I have my family, I have my friends, I have a roof over my head, I don't have to worry about money, I don't have any terrible health concerns, I don't live in a society where getting my hands bitten off by bullet ants is a rite of passage... It's the kind of life where people would say that you've got everything going for you, or at the very least, all the basic ingredients to get everything going. And yet I'm unsatisfied, and I worry.

I bet I would worry if I lived in a Disney movie. Those characters go through some crazy stuff. But I guess it's just comforting knowing that, since it's Disney, there will be a happy ending - no exceptions. I guess I'd just like to have that guarantee. Funny, this was kind of what my college admissions essay was about - believing in a happy ending - my happy ending - even if things don't turn out the way I expect them to. I suppose I should try live by that belief.

So apparently I like to ramble. But you knew that already.

New Years Resolution

I tend to set new years resolutions only after the new year has begun, and only as I happen to think of them.

Well, I thought of my first one:

Pay attention in class. Strive to be an active listener.

IB and Mother Night

Recently, I've started interviewing with investment banks, and in doing so, I think I've come to feel the weight of the infamous words of Mother Night: You are who you pretend to be. Preparing answers for questions like "Why do you want to be an investment banker?" is starting to actually make me want to be a banker. Well, kind of. I feel like my answers make sense, and that I agree with them, and that I really can relate to them. Which seems kind of silly to me, since I come up with these answers by reading blogs which tell you how to answer these kinds of questions. So it seems like it's completely external - I wasn't even the one to come up with these reasons! But I guess I've slowly been internalizing these lines as I prepare. After all, I have to believe myself first, if anyone else is going to believe me, right?

And, well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not sure I like what's happening. I feel like I'm getting tricked or something.

Although... one aspect of banking has unexpectedly turned me off. The fact that my interviewers were so young.. and wearing suits... It's weird - in my head, I've always liked the idea of being an important person in a suit. But do I really want to wear a suit to work everyday? I like how this is what my concern is. And by "like" here, I really mean "can't believe/wth is wrong with me?" I am such a weirdo.